Day 1290

<-- posing for the camera at the Hibachi celebration of Noreen's Birth and the last day of my cleanse.

I've run into a lot of people in the last 30 days who have asked me to blog about my experience with the Master Cleanse and after. I've gotten a lot of generous compliments on the condition of my skin, my obvious weight loss and others have remarked that I seem, "happy", however they define that.

I feel happy, whatever that means for me. I'm very pleased with the results of the cleanse and feel that I gained a lot of valuable information and clarity from the experience. I lost 10 lbs and, despite warnings on websites that coming off the cleanse would mean weight gain, I am continuing to lose weight, 2 more lbs over the last 2+ weeks.

Weight loss was not the goal but it has certainly been one of the results. The major goal was to break some compulsive binge eating and free myself from the pressure and guilt of food related behavior patterns that I have had since I was a child. I also wanted to reset my system and give myself an opportunity to eat clean, from a fresh start.

I have been toying with the idea of a cleanse since March. During the winter I had developed reoccurring cravings for sausage gravy and buttermilk biscuits, eggs, cheese and bacon. All of these greasy spoon delicacies and their various delicious combination are available to me at my job. Cosmic Omelet knows their way around eggs, cheese, bacon and sausage gravy... oh, and let's not forget sugary baked goods like fresh, homemade pumpkin bread, banana bread and zucchini bread that all can be made into French Toast. Oh yeah, and handmade cinnamon buns... I digress.

I had plenty of temptation and my strategy for the winter was to cave to all of it, over and over. I felt awful and I was lethargic most of the time. So, a week before the West Hartford Yoga Teacher Training graduation weekend, I was hit with a strong urge to do a cleanse. I wanted to do it. I wanted to stick to it. I was ready to make a change and a felt really confident about it. I did research online and most sites recommended that before fasting I give my body a three day ease-in period and a three day ease-out period. I decided that I would ease in during teacher training, three days of intense power yoga and hours of lecture and physical activities. It would be a worthy distraction that I was sure that I would need.

Pre-Day 1:
I ate only fruits and vegetables. I practiced 2.5 hours of power yoga and it was one of the strongest practices that I could remember in terms of my personal performance. I expected to be weak and miserable, I was neither. I was slightly more flexible and connected. In our final Metta meditation it was the first time I was not distracted by what I was going to have for dinner. The answer was, not anything I really want. So, I didn't spend a lot of time anticipating it. It was incredible that I let it go and did not sit there struggling with whether to buy a cookie or something to reward myself for making it through a difficult practice on only fruits and veggies. My reward that I truly wanted was to lose old, bad habits.

Pre Day 2: Fruit and veggie juices and soup broths. I did not notice a big change from Day 1. I practiced a 2.5 power yoga class and participated in my teacher training.

Pre-Day 3: Orange Juice only. I began to notice pangs of hunger that kept coming and going. I would drink juice to keep them at bay and they would come back about 40 minutes later. I had a glass of juice before my 2.5 hour power practice. About an hour or so in, I was asked to go into pigeon on my right side. I felt some strong sensation in my hip and felt pangs of hunger creep in. The hunger distracted me long enough to convince me that I was unable to do pigeon at that moment. It hurt, I was uncomfortable, I was going to fail. I crouched in child's pose to let it all pass; my eyes filled filled with tears and I started weeping audibly. I've had this kind of release before but it usually only lasts a second and it comes after I torture myself for quite some time with unreasonable pressure or indulge in negative dialogues about my ability to show love or receive it. This was different, it came without warning and lasted for almost 10 minutes.

I began DAY 1 the Master Cleanse. It was a 10 day liquid fast with laxatives and salt water flushes. The first day was slightly unhappy because I was struggling to like the lemonade mixture of maple syrup, lemon, water and cayenne pepper. I know, it sounds delicious; clearly something is wrong with me. I took ONE herbal laxative in the morning (I followed the instructions to ease into the appropriate dosage). One laxative had NO affect on me. This day I only had five of the recommended 8 glasses of lemonade. I went to bed with only about 800 liquid calories and I painted a room.

What began to alarm me was that I began to be proud that I could suppress my hunger, lose weight and stick to such a radical diet change. It wasn't a healthy pride of confidence it was the temptation to throw moderation to the wind and make a lifestyle of suppressing and denying food cravings. On Day 2 I was able to drink 8 glasses of lemonade, but it was a struggle. I was moving in a new roommate (lot of up and down, carrying boxes and we painted a huge room). I went to Whole Foods and allowed myself a small herbal tea while I picked up dinner for the worker bees at the house. I actually spent a fair amount of time looking at food without the temptation to eat it. I was noticing colors, enjoying the various smells and liking the act of shopping without obsessing over menu choices. I chose dinners for my friends based on a mix of what I would have chosen to eat and what I knew about their own dietary habits. I enjoyed picking out their dinners. It was a cool experience.

For days I had been dreading Days 3 + 4, these were days I would be at work, surrounded by a lot of my favorite foods and my coworkers, who are all truly enthusiastic foodies. I would also be plagued by the habit of eating. Luckily, my boss had recently put a policy limiting food consumption on the clock. This helped me immensely; before it had been a compulsice free for all of snacking. When I was not ordering food, my co-workers were and I was sampling theirs in addition to eating my own meal. I was also still sitting with the dark temptation of keeping myself hungry on purpose. I made the decision that on work days I would drink orange juice. I like orange juice and it felt a little more like normal. OJ is something I like to have on the clock. So be it. OJ. At 3:00 on Day 3 I showed up for my shift at West Hartford Yoga, after running around waiting tables since 7:00 am, and I couldn't keep my eyes open and was suddenly hit with mild nausea. Luckily, my fellow Yogi, Lindsay, was able to come in early and send me home. By 4:00 I was in bed and I didn't wake up until 9:00 pm. I just closed my eyes and slept until the next day.

Days 5-9 were a lot of the same. My energy had stabilized with the OJ compromise. I was alternating OJ with the more alkaline mixture of the lemonade. I also found that I liked limes better than lemons and the web told me this was an acceptable modification. I took the salt water flush five times in 10 days; I did the flush at night when I was in for the night. In the morning I took laxatives and three turned out to be the magic number. It was pretty gross and fascinating, and effective. By Day 9 I was getting strong momentary flashes of "OK, enough already. I'm ready to eat" but I never broke my fast. I had dreams that I was eating sandwiches and donuts and I was experiencing the guilt of breaking my fast. The dialogue would eventually lead to, I knew I could never do this and I would wake up. I'd need a minute to shake off residual feelings of failure and then I'd smile and think, yes, those make-believe donuts were delicious. I should have had more.

I tell ya, I have never been more productive that I was in these 10 days. I helped move in a new room-mate, we collectively primed and painted three rooms (one monster room), I finished nearly all of my book reviews, I finished my class critiques and I journaled my experience. In addition to all of this I laid the ground work to put myself out there to teach Yoga. I drafted my resume and spent a lot of my cleanse days driving around networking with club managers, studio owners and Board of Ed members. I was totally un-like myself. I managed my time down to the minute, and sometimes those minutes were spent in planned nap time. It still hasn't worn off. I am more productive than I have ever been in my life.

I think there are several reasons for that. The major one was that I would spend a lot of time eating out in social meetings. On my four weekdays off I would often call friends and meet them over breakfast, lunch or dinner. Mealtimes would be between 2-3 hours for me. Without food, I had between 4-7 hours per day to fill. I needed lots of distractions and I found them. Just as I was coming off the cleanse, I celebrated my friends birthday on the final day at a hibachi restaurant in Avon. Everyone around me had rice, noodles, prime rib and other deliciousness. I was satisfied with the smells, company, my clear broth mushroom soup and stir fried veggies.

As I was coming off my cleanse my body would send me clear messages if I messed up and chose the wrong foods. I'm still losing weight. I am not drinking fruit juices, except the occasional OJ for an energy boost at work. I don't eat a lot of processed breads, No dairy, No sugar. I am making creamy tahini dressing like it's my job. I am eating tons of fresh vegetables, fruits, fish and lean meats. I feel better and look better than I ever have.

I don't know if it's a combination of feeling good and showing up with confidence as a result, but I have also been hired to teach more yoga than I can fit into my schedule. Offers from my time spent networking continued to pour in and starting in August I will be teaching three regular classes per week. In the last week of September two adult ed programs hired me to teach an 8 week Introduction to Power Yoga series that I developed and proposed to them. I am negotiating an incredible project that may or may not also happen in September and Capital Community College wants to hire me in the spring for their adult ed program. We're talking about scheduling a preview class for the fall.

The hope that I could choose to teach Yoga full time became a reality. Of course, I don't want to teach yoga full time. I want to stay on and continue to support the great, local restaurant that supported me during my transitional journey until I potentially leave next summer to teach yoga overseas. Nothing can be certain, or so I am led to believe. Yes, I was also accepted into the Peace Corps and am waiting on my assignment. Instead of sitting back and waiting, I'm learning Spanish and am scheduled to test into eligibility to go to Latin America, which is where I desperately want to be placed.

I've been smiling like a muppet for weeks, because of everything I have described above, 6 months of intensive, thorough training from West Hartford Yoga and I'm deliriously happy. I am truly grateful for the support, patience and care that I have been receiving from a new relationship that continues to teach me about letting go and acceptance. I am viewing the next year of my life with great anticipation, ease and joy. I set myself up to be here, and while much of it might be the universe unfolding as it should, I'm also incredibly proud of my own personal progress and practice of Yes.

Day 1260

Sometimes, I manage to forget how quickly time passes. I'm not going to reset the counter on my weight loss journey; all of this was part of the process that led me here. Although I am going to ditch the name Fat Blog.

It's been a year and three months since my last post. This journey has evolved from the vain and ultimately unattainable to where I am today. I graduated from yoga teacher training (TT) , my eleven year relationship ended and I applied to the Peace Corps.

For my entire life, I've struggled with food and body image. I had eating disorders. Chronicled in this very blog is the mindset that I have had (although on the healthier end) since I was a teenager. Days fell into categories, pass or fail, good or bad, under calorie goal or over. Not disclosed in these posts were that I was also vomiting and not noticing the pattern I was stuck in. AT my highest weight, 190, I was unhappy and sure that if I reached 140 I'd be happy. At 140, I was unhappy and sure that if I achieved definition in my abs I'd be happy.

Today I'm happy. I weigh approximately 148 lbs. The change I made was internal. In August 2009, I started volunteering at a yoga studio near my home. I developed a personal practice. Learning to connect my breathing to the movement of my body gave me an awareness of myself that I'd never experienced. Even in my most rigid and inflexible mental state, Yoga managed to move me. I eventually developed the ability and knowledge to observe how I was coming across to others, my behavior AND the emotional responses (or disconnections) that my behavior triggered. I developed self awareness.

It was awful. I hated it and I longed for the days when I could abuse myself or others and continue on my way. Now that I could notice, I did and I didn't want to. I began to become aware of all the pain I caused others, and the opportunities that I was missing while my mind was spinning in circles and obsessing over the mathematics of weight loss. I started to understand that it wasn't always all about me, and when it was about me it wasn't about anyone else. Relationships in my life, foods I ate, activities and other parts of my life were choices that I had some but not total control over, and furthermore, I didn't need total control. Adventure happens when things stop going as planned.

People can and do change, but they don't much appreciate being told they should; they also deserve to be loved and accepted for where and who they are. Two people that love each other aren't necessarily meant to be in each others' lives. Every person I meet brings out a unique dimension of my personality; my spirit is happiest when it's free to move through life whimsically and without fear of judgment. Others prefer the cozy of routine. We all want to be accepted, safe and free from pain and suffering.

I welcome change. I also crave familiarity. I'm at a juncture in my life where I'm being taught the valuable lessons of generosity, patience, letting go and how to fully receive opportunities, while I can.

Currently, I am on Day 2 of the Master Cleanse. I am using this 10-Day lemonade fast to reset my system, flush out my body and break some poor lifestyle habits. I have never fasted for an entire day. Yesterday I did. I feel mostly free from the pressure of food. Of course, this is simple to feel when I am locked up in my house with projects on my days off. Tomorrow, work will be a new challenge (I work in a restaurant with delicious food). I also feel flighty, slightly weak and, at times, nauseous. These sensations, like everything else, will pass and I can eventually return to eating whole, nutritious foods. I have had only two strong cravings, one was for rolls golds pretzels and the other was for Veggie Sticks (the potato chip kind, not the raw veggies kind).

It's not comfortable breaking patterns, or easy. I'm enjoying the process!

Fat Blog- Day 804

I've been writing a lot lately, not much of which I am willing to share. I find that humor is an excellent way to avoid revealing anything substantial and I also find that joking about humor being an excellent way to avoid revealing anything substantial is an effective way to reveal something substantial, more tactfully. Anyways, the struggle continues on the path to betterment...

Anyways, my healing process continues with a rigorous appetite of my heart's major food groups: fun, acceptance and Nutella. I've had some serious moments over the past few months where I was concerned about how I was perceiving my body and how clothing feels on it. There were a few times I felt less than beautiful. I have only vaguely snapped out of it and hope that soon-soon-soon-soon-soon my garden, friends, springtime and fresh, healthy cooking will move me forward.

On Tuesday, I am cookin'. On the menu (all homemade) is whole wheat pita bread, cilantro hummus, Falafel and Quinoa Tabbouleh. I mean, we're talking let the dough rise and blend the flavored hummus, homemade. I am excited to cook, but more excited to share it. It seems a waste to cook gourmet meals for a solitary chick with body image issues who would rather lick Nutella out of the jar anyways.

O... M... G, as I have aforementioned, I have discovered Nutella. I wish I hadn't, but alas, Nutella and I have a thing. I just can't have that filthy whore in the house. It's disgusting, except that it's not disgusting, it's delicious. It is disgusting, how delicious it is. I'm a sick, sick woman. I hate that I love Nutella. I love Nutella so much that I taught my spell checker to spell Nutella... like a legit word.

Seriously, I can't bitch. I lost another eight pounds since the beginning of the year. I am getting a bit off track lately but I will kick the dairy habit because it literally makes me sick. Doesn't stop me from eating it, but it will now, because it's time to get ab definition and get my squishy ass into an unsupported hand stand. I know, that's ego talking... but handstands are soooo hot! I want to do scorpion. I want scorpion like I want Nutella... spread thick on warm toast.

Fat Blog- Day 686 (Thanksgiving reflections of a fat kid with major compulsion issues)

How was my holiday, you ask. Well, I ate so much on Thursday afternoon that my clothing hurt me. Later that evening I went back in for 2nd Thanksgiving and ate so much that I lapsed into a coma for the greater part of the evening; only to wake to more pie and a round of scotch. In between the spurts of gluttony was, gratefully, a fuck-load of family. I spent the entire weekend surrounded by the only people that I can count on to be free of judgment... but full of suggestions, recommendations and guilt, lots of guilt. Somehow though, it's fine. Everything is fine with a dollop of cool whip. Except when your brother gets lazy and buys Guida's whipped cream at the corner gas station instead of driving the extra half a mile to the grocery store for cool whip. Yet, that too, was fine...after the initial panic and empty homicidal threats

Truth be told, I don't much like turkey or stuffing or mashed potatoes or cranberry sauce or ham... especially not ham. My problem is gravy. Gravy is a worthy food foe to contend with because it's not acceptable or, more importantly, satisfying to sit down to the holiday table with a bowl of gravy. I need something to put my gravy on...something that would be lack luster without it... oh, how about a little bit of everything. Or a lot of everything... yeah, that sounds about right, hold the broccoli... it will destroy my gravy with that horrible broccoli taste. Even if by some miracle, of whatever diety that's responsible for such things, I was able to pass on the gravy, and it's various accessories, I'd be done in by coffee and pie. I can eat coffee and pie at any time, anywhere, before or after/or before and after my main course. Issues with mixing sweet and savory? I have no such aversion... unfortunately. I have no pie shut off mechanism and am wondering where I can get one installed. If pie needs me, I'm there.

I'm reflecting on my holiday choices (as the note title suggests) as I sip my low sodium V8 with a splash of sriracha hot chili sauce that tastes vaguely like shame and self loathing. I'm devising a plan about how I will avoid the fried on food addiction feeling next time. I am thinking about how last time I thought I'd devised a plan and this time I did too and how next time I will probably disregard it as I have this and last time. I am thinking that the previous sentence probably makes sense in some language... and maybe this one too. I am thinking a lot and not doing enough. I often wonder if acknowledging that I am insane makes me not insane at all but instead practical and self aware. I wonder if the "doing" part is not just exhausting, frustrating and over-rated as I have a sneaking suspicion that it may be and has been. I guess not wondering at all but hoping...because there is no sign of doing.

Due to the urging of several friends, I will be trying my hand at spinning... with the assumption that it is the same thing as cycling, which is offered at the second gym I am a member at but do not go to. I could also swim more, there is a pool at the first gym I am a member at but do not go to. The Tae Kwon Do studio, where I train, is where I should be now, instead of blogging about possible sanity and holiday consumption patterns. My Tae Kwon Do hooky playing will be followed immediately by me trying to talk myself out of a trip to Target for laundry detergent, kitty litter and lip balm. I will talk myself out of Target the same way I talked myself out of 7:00 am Hot Yoga, 9:30 am Yoga and the same way I talked myself out of Yoga last night. I am very persuasive because the alternative is frying up some leftover stuffing and topping it with a couple of over-medium eggs, it has a similar consistency to the gravy that donned my stuffing this weekend... over and over and over and over again. Mmmmmmmmm, V8 with sriracha hot chili sauce....yum.

So, in other words Day 686 is not much different that Days 29, 413 and 1. Food still is and will always be a struggle. Healthy lifestyles are somewhat relative in this country and I am sure mine is better than others' but by my own standards, which are impossible, I'm still not where I want to be. Luckily, I've been given another goal to buckle down for. I was notified that I will be testing for my black belt in May. I will achieve one of my major martial arts milestones just shy of a month before my four year anniversary of training at Ziwak's. I would like to lose 10 pounds and focus on my endurance for the next six months. The black belt test is a worthy test of both physical and mental toughness. The test lasts 6-8 hours and the material covered is, well, everything... everything I have been practicing for four years. I feel confidant about how I have trained but unsure that I will be able to translate that confidence into an acceptable cardio performance. I am confidant that I can explain the mechanics of a roundhouse kick but uncertain how sharp my jumping roundhouse kick will be after three hours of anxious, grueling cardio. I'll be leaving it on the floor with many of the beautiful friends that I have trained with over the years. The fat kid, the drama club nerd, the chronic team player that never wanted to be held accountable to star standards... is going to have to spend the next six months being a bit more conscious of what she shovels into her body.

Fat Blog- Day 615

Hello, team. I recognize that I have been slacking on the blogging front. Hardcore slacking, it's sort of what I do. My schedule is gloriously jam packed with martial arts, yoga, various volunteer projects and cash-money making.

I've been taking a little time these days to look forward to autumn. These past few days have brought me the chilly mornings that made me dread shedding my pajamas. The window fan blows cold into unfortunate places.

Looking back on the past two months, I'm generally pleased with where I have come and the direction I am heading. Mentally and physically, I am in a strong and peaceful place. I've put myself on an ambitious schedule of 4-5 days of hot and power yoga mixed with 3-4 days of martial arts. Serving adds some major mileage as well. I'm more active than I have ever been.
In four short weeks, my waist has shrunk and my abs are carving out some definition. Yay, abs! Go, fight, win!

On the food front, the restaurant schedule has made late night eating hard to avoid. I've also been eating more than I really want. Self, take a memo: eat more veggies. The vegan detox went well. I came back to eggs in late July after a month of strict veganism. The dairy has been limited after a Dairy Queen Digestive disaster and a month of Olive Garden butter sauces. I really just feel better without cheese or milk. Self, take a memo: buy more hummus.

I have taken on volunteer tutoring at an English as a second language tutoring center in New Britain. I am excited about meeting new people and continuing to language-exchange. My Es-Spanish is coming along through the help of my lovely Peruvian ladies at the Olive Garden. I have begun my Yoga work study at West Hartford Yoga and have been diligently trying to make it to classes with all the different instructors. I am planning on attending an information session on instructor training. I feel very drawn to Yoga and Martial Arts instruction as my next steps.

Yoga has pushed me through a rut in my martial arts training. It has provided noticeable improvement in my flexibility and has me excited to be awake at 6:00 am every morning. My gardens are yielding fresh veggies and herbs. So, my goal for the next few weeks is to be more disciplined and varied with my diet. I have been jumping up and down between 156-158 pounds which is ten pounds less than mid-June when my life hanged direction, however I would like to get down to 150 before autumn is over. Overall, I feel comfortable with my body and pleased with how my clothes feel on it. I've been pondering the possibility of a Capoiera class. But I don't know where I would fit it in!

I am on my way out of corporate servitude! With the help of a good word from the most awesome breakfast-joint-proprietress ever, I landed a part time job at The Main Pub, a local joint in Manchester. Thanks, Tracy! Everyone from OG who misses me should feel free to visit the Cosmic Omelet, on Hartford Road in Manchester.

Fat Blog- Day 572

I've been slacking blogger-ifically.

A little over one month ago I made the decision to leave my job with my Union. I had decided that I needed more joy in my life and that organizing was not providing that joy. There were times of pride and excitement for me in the work, however the great majority of time was stressful and exhausting. Cancer robbed us of a solid mentor and leader; I felt her absence in a very genuine and painful way. After her death, I never re-connected with the fight and have never felt such a grand sense of loss.

Since leaving the Union, I have not one time regretted it. Strong people around me helped me come to the right decision for my life in an personal, professional and respectful way. With the maturity I developed through the work; I have been fulfilled by every minute of my life since my departure. My greatest fear was, that by leaving the Union, my life would have no greater meaning and that I would have nothing to contribute to our world in any sort of constructive way. My greatest fear, as usual, was wrong.

I have found more rewards and have been more drawn to assisting with martial arts instruction, at the school where I am a student. I have been investing more time in my own health and training. I'm reading, gardening and thinking carefully and thoughtfully about my next steps. The next year of my life will include U.S travel, writing and catching up with myself and my family/friends.

I've also hopped back in to the restaurant saddle. I am working at a fantastic, local breakfast joint. The owner, staff and patrons are a welcome breath of decent, hard working folk. My part time gig at a corporate restaurant, that shall not be named, has been a very, very, VERY mixed bag. I finally feel in control of my life, time and energy.

I have fine-tuned my vegan-ism into a very "Nicole" dietary lifestyle. I allow myself eggs and will avoid dairy (although I will not pain myself about traces of milk or dairy in products). I can't stand to turn down hospitality, inconvenience anyone with my food choices or see food wasted therefore I will eat food that will otherwise be thrown away and will eat whatever is prepared for me in people's homes (including my mother's home; no need to burden her with alternative dishes). I've dropped seven pounds and feel fantastic. I'm training regularly and have picked up a weight-lifting routine and yoga.

Nicole is a joyful little critter these days!

Fat Blog - Day 542

I feel fantastic. I'm under 160 lbs for the first time this year and I am stuffing my face! Losing dairy and meat has been my favorite life choice (2nd only to deciding to go back to school) in the past five years. I am very sore... we're talkin' ankle pain and back pain... but I am really glad to be doing what I am doing. Anyways, I cleaned my house today. I find that very consuming, not to mention gross, so I generally eat very little when I do it. I use food as incentive. C'mon Nicole, finish scrubbing that pot because I will not feed you until you do it.

Breakfast: blueberries, rice and wheat puffs and light vanilla soymilk 215 cal
Lunch: whole wheat pasta and vegan "meatsauce" 250 cal
Snack: cocoa covered almonds, blueberries 250 cal
Taekwondo +500 cal
Dinner: Dal Palak, cran-grape juice and vegetable biryani 600 cal
Dessert: chocolate chocolate chip vita muffin with chocolate hazelnut soy cream. 250 cal